Global Exclusive

On the eve of the release of Global Agenda, I’d like to share my thoughts on the beta in the form of an imaginary interview with an imaginary executive from GA’s developers: Hi-Rez Studios…

irama: Hi Hi-Rez exec Dirk Megabucks, welcome to clan SNAP. Let me just start by saying you’ve done a wonderful job with the Global Agenda beta and I can’t wait for the launch of the full game tomorrow.

Dirk: Thanks for having me and I’m glad to hear you’re excited about the launch. We’re excited too.

irama: Yeah, I’m especially looking forward to grinding my way past the arbitrary incompetence of levels 6-20 and the gruelling slog of mediocrity from 20 to 30. After that I imagine I’ll probably just get bored and go back to playing Team Fortress 2.

Dirk: That’s essentially the value proposition we provide, once you’ve earned your place at level 30 or above, you should look to AvA gameplay to spice up your online play. But you won’t feel bored, by that stage you’ll have invested so many hours into your agents that cognitive dissonance will compel you to play AvA so as not to feel that the grinding had been in vain.

irama: Are there any gameplay mechanics in Global Agenda that haven’t been ripped straight from the Team Fortress 2 playbook?

Dirk: Yes. The ones we stole from Tribes.

irama: Tell us, have the truly dreadful game interfaces we saw in the beta been addressed in the live game?

Dirk: Heck no! In fact, in many instances, we have sought to make interfaces less intuitive. Which interfaces in particular most concern you?

irama: Well, for example, most interfaces don’t allow you to use common keyboard commands like pressing enter to submit a form, they force you to click click click click. Other interfaces force you to switch from mouse to keyboard then back to mouse again.

Dirk: Ah yes, but mastery of various input devices and the ability to switch between them rapidly are skills that our target demographic (male, 15-30 years old) possess in abundance, so this is not a problem. Our demographic have honed these skills over time by swiftly changing between entering web address and clicking links one-handed.

irama: What about the lack of in-game information and general poor documentation of how to get into AvA mode?

Dirk: Again, this is intentional. Obfuscation is titillation, that’s our motto! You’ve got to remember that our target audience are FPS geeks with no social skills or really anything going for them at all. They take most joy in life from knowing obscure — even arcane — information about complex systems. This knowledge affords them a shallow sense of superiority and allows them to refer to those who have not unraveled our cryptic codices as “n00bs” or “teh sux0rz”.

irama: Ah yes. Good times! Thank you Dirk for speaking with us.

Dirk: Yeah whatever.

PS I’d just like to clarify that the above post is intended as satire. On the whole I am actually really excited about the Global Agenda launch, and am looking forward to getting in there and leveling some toons. Playing with the gratis high level toons at the end of the beta was pretty dang cool, so will attempt to get to at least level 30 ASAP.