IE 6? Just upgrade. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.


Zoey or Chell…?

You’ve heard about Portal 2. There really could be cake this time. But is it as good as Left 4 Dead? Let’s test the heroines!
For Science.

Test #1: weapons

Chell with portal gun
Chell with portable quantum tunneling device
Zoey posed with pistols outs
Zoey with dual (black) pistols

I had a pretty good life. But then you showed up. You dangerous, mute, lunatic.

Test #2: footwear

Chell sporting Long Fall Boots
Long Fall Boots—sleek, stylish and investment protecting
Zoey's shoe
Zoey shoes—unlikely to protect investments

That jumpsuit you’re wearing looks stupid. That’s not me talking, it’s right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks “stupid”. Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably— Oh, wait. It’s a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!

Test #3: likes

Chell hugging the weighted companion cube
Weighted companion cubes—hugs a’plenty
Francis, Zoey, Bill and Louis
Survivors—not as cuddly

Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.

Test #4: The Cake is a Lie

Weighted Companion Cake
Leela has made a weighted companion cake
Angry birds cake
Birds are angry this is no zombie cake

We’re a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I—oh, no, wait. I guess I haven’t killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.

Test #5: Cosplay realism

Cosplay Chell
Where are the portals?
Cosplay Zoey
Where are the zombies? Oh right—ouch!

Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you and I’m sorry. You didn’t react at the time so I was worried it sailed right over your head, which would have made this apology seem insane. That’s why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.

Test #6: Best in lego

Lego portal
I think you need to grab the cube through the blue portal and…
Lego left 4 dead scene
Run or shoot? RUN OR SHOOT? BOTH!!

Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you’re going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.

So is Portal 2 worth your dosh? (What is dosh anyway?)
If being able to earn an achievement for dancing in front of a turret while shielded by a light bridge is as important to you as it is to me—yes.

One Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System was mildly offended in the writing of this post.

2 Responses to “Zoey or Chell…?”

  1. Leela

    Reading this post has inspired me to make a Portal 2 cake. What would make a cake uniquely Portal 2?

  2. P-Body! Potato! Something beginning with P 🙂

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